May 19th, 2018

Again, today was a dreary day and it sank into my mode. I have been a genuinely positive guy for probably 95% of my days in the past year, but I am still human. Occasionally life gets a bit ruff or stressful. This is quite obvious to pinpoint for me. I have been here for a little over 50 days now, and I absolutely love my job and the city. However, I have to make the decision in the next week or two of if I want to stay or not. I have a couple of really cool job interviews in the making, but if I don’t get a job I truly covet I think it may be best to head home. This has been an issue that I’ve thought about a lot and it just seems somewhat obvious. I will aim for the stars with my job search and if nothing comes through, then it wasn’t meant to be. Like I have been mentioning, God has been showing me some signs lately that are hard to ignore. My friends have been facetiming like crazy, showing love and honestly just genuinely improving my days. This has forced me to acknowledge how much I miss them. Sure, I have a little bit of the NYC work mentality but at the end of the day I think I have more Ohio in me than I thought. I kind of like just being able to kick it with my friends and play fortnite. I kind of miss just laughing with people. I really miss having some kind of connection to the culture. I feel as if in New York, I am playing a video game. The world is just some concrete version of random consciousness, thrown at me to see how I react. It is really easy to feel like the world is fake. The people are fake. I don’t mean that in the hipster term, I mean it literally. Walking up and down the street makes people seem so insignificant. I see 1000’s of people on my way home from work. So to me it feels marginally different than walking on GTA. Gta citizens have a slightly different visual appearance but the interaction is impossible to notice. I am just kind of putting my thoughts onto paper here… and again it seems like something inside me misses home. There is also the very real possibility that I am just having one of my few down days and I am using nostalgia to fill my void. Either way, I think I can use some rest. I am going to try to be productive tomorrow because I kind of wasted the head start I worked on at school this week (that also contributed to my mood).

P.S. Looking back on these posts it is easy for me to note a trend. My mood really connects with whether or not there was a picture with the day. This isn’t to say that the picture blogs are the happiest, but rather the most creative. When I feel creative, I take pictures. One step deeper, I feel creative when I am confident. I think that is an issue I have when I’m not with my friends. I wasn’t aware of that before this move so that is a good thing to find out.

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